Notes on Yesterday’s Apocalypse
As you all know, the world ended yesterday (December 21, 2012). I’m writing this from the other side of oblivion (God has great wi-fi). Considering some of the world’s servers are in apocalypse-proof shelters, we may all be dead, but we can still get our e-mail! It would be so inconvenient to enter into eternity without an inbox full of Canadian pharmacy offers and urban myth forwards, wouldn’t it?
In case you somehow missed the fire and brimstone yesterday, here’s the most accurate sequence of events I could cobble together on short notice. It’s the least I could do…the national news stations would be getting everything mixed up right now if their studios hadn’t been taken out by the asteroid storm.
The morning started with a red sky – sailor’s delight, right? Well, obviously that was just all the world’s volcanoes erupting simultaneously. That, in turn, melted the polar ice caps faster than we mere carbon-emitting humans could ever dream of, and the ocean rose. Thankfully, the polar bears all had their water wings on, having been warned of the coming doom by a school of dolphins (apologies to Douglas Adams for that one.)
Most humans managed to avoid getting wiped out by the volcanoes, but the vapors must have gotten to the world leaders, because everyone hit their respective country’s “red buttons” at the same time (further apologies to Stanley Kubrick), bringing on the oft-foretold nuclear disaster, which was quite inconvenient, as it mutated the world’s rats…and quite a number of humans into rats and whatnot (still further apologies to Aaron Neathery).
Then, of course, the zombie apocalypse set in. That actually wasn’t so bad. It just turned out to be the world’s cell phone users rioting because the nukes had taken out all the cell phone towers, and they had no bars left, meaning they couldn’t play Angry Birds and update their Facebook status to “running 4 my life, lol.” They probably wouldn’t have rioted, except most of them had been deprived of the ability to communicate with those around them (no one could receive their text messages).
During lull in the activity, and a White House representative (who had mutated into a skunk of some sort…which many political activists called an improvement) called a press meeting. Reporters from all around the country arrived to deliver their “fair and balanced” spin on the events. Thankfully, the world’s television viewers were spared from the broadcast, as television had ceased to exist due to the nukes, though who could expect a little detail like that to stop Geraldo Rivera?
Around 3 pm, the aliens arrived to ransack what remained of earth (additional apologies to H.G. Wells), and to pick up their spies. Lady Gaga was quite happy to return to her people. Three movie studios began haggling over the movie rights to the end of the world, but called it off when one mentioned that ticket sales would be a challenge. Several top economists declared that the global recession would undoubtedly worsen due to earth’s destruction-in-progress, but that at least the apocalypse had made a considerable amount of prime real estate available, so at least that part of the market stood a chance. I don’t think they factored in the rapidly diminishing demand.
Before the 24-news stations had a chance to comment on the recession, the asteroid belt made a spontaneous group decision to see why earth was glowing such a strange color. The resulting meteor storm did a considerable amount of damage to the environment, prompting PETA to issue a strongly worded public statement to the rogue asteroids for their behavior. An investigation was called, and of course the news stations all abandoned the recession news to offer up continuing coverage on the need for further regulation of space debris’ treatment of wildlife. The EPA issued a few statements, but no one could hear well them over the explosions of modern civilization.
And then the sun decided that after centuries of stability, it would spontaneously supernova. The resulting explosion didn’t do the remaining radio signals on earth any favors, but in lieu of a sun, flashlight manufacturers saw their best sales in years. Economists declared that there may be hope of the economy after all.
Having ransacked earth satisfactorily and retrieved all their spies from their headquarters in California and Tennessee, the aliens departed. Just when things started looking up, several major heavenly bodies aligned, pulling a rogue planet that NASA had managed to overlook, despite decades of sending probes and men into space, into a direct collision course with earth. The departing aliens were quite ticked that they had left their home planet in such a bad place, and one of their ambassadors left the news reporters with a comment to that effect. Unfortunately, the reporters couldn’t hear him over the collision between planets, so what he said is still rather unclear.
That was at 8:42 pm, Pacific time, meaning that there won’t be a film at eleven. The world ended, just as the Mayans predicted. Experts believe they were too busy planning what messages to leave for future archaeologists about the end of the world, they somehow managed to overlook the arrival of Europeans on their continent. But, hey, everyone makes mistakes.
Well, obviously, the world did not end. We’re still here. But my sister Kate made a good point: all of this is a reminder that we really don’t know when time will reach an end. Matthew 24:35-36 says “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” We can’t predict it, we can’t foretell it, and no ancient calendar has it mapped out.
I’ve heard many people say “I know I need God, but I’ll wait until I’m older and I’ve had my fun.” But we don’t have any guarantee that we will even survive until “older.” We don’t know how long earth has, or even how long we have! You could walk outside ten minutes from now, not see the oncoming truck, and life can be over.
Jesus Christ is not an end to fun – that I know first-hand. “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10b) He wants to give you an AMAZING life, free from regret and fear! God is happiest when we’re living out our purpose – something that always leaves us feeling fulfilled. He wants to be your friend and companion, your protector and your guide, which was made possible through His son, Jesus. He made you for something special, and He knows exactly how to get you there. You won’t be disappointed.
“Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” (Matthew 24:42-44)
Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Make the most of today!