Indelible Blue Pen

Jason C. McDonald (CodeMouse92)


June 30, 2014

How Dumb Do I Look?

800px-WreckHonestly, I rather enjoy sorting through the spam comments on my blog. Most of them are obviously Engrish copypasta, and frankly, they turn out kinda funny. Thus, I present, the Engrish Spambot Hall of Fame!

Remarkable issues here. I am very satisfied to
peer your article. Thank you a lot and I am taking a look ahead
to touch you.

First of all, if he’s peering (at) my article, he is DEFINITELY having considerable issues with the English language, as peering implies looking at with some difficulty. Unless he’s peer reviewing, in which case, I’d wonder what branch of academia my writing falls under. Idiology (the study of idiots) perhaps? All the same, it’s an honor I’ll forgo, especially if it involves clicking a suspicious link to “CHEEP CANADIAN DRUGS!!!! BUY NOW!!!”, or something down that alley.

Second of all, if he’s looking forward to touching me, there are two additional problems: a) how on earth did he find out where I live, and b) what kind of creep comes all the way overseas to touch a blogger?

Askimet (God love these people) filters out the obvious stuff for me, leaving only one or two very clever comments a week to weed out. This one was especially classy…

Without doubt it was young women who had granted permission for
males to shed the dictates of society’s notions of what a “real” man
should be and finally to be able to express their humanism and so their emotionalism.
Web Design Evolutions has the knowledge and skill to get you
to the top. Alaskan pallid comprise slap-up with crab louse, cat’s-paw,
and salads.

Seriously, are they even trying? Why would I want to slap-up a pale Alaskan parasite anyhow, and furthermore, why would I want that in a salad? If their SEO skills are anything like their English composition abilities, I’ll pass. Some people are just better left to craft salads with crab lice and express their humanism and emotionalism, with or without the permission of young women.

From an attempted comment on my post “Seasons”, which had nothing to do with business…

But larger corporate clients opt for these schemes
as the successul and smooth running of their websites is essential for their business, also the security of their sites and customers can be ensured this way.

The best web host server is capable of mapping the path of the uniform resource locator into:
. Yes, you can find affordable web hosting that still gives you quality service.

Seriously? I had no idea there were any web hosts that COULDN’T map the path of the uniform resource locator…that is, know their own URLs. (Yup, that’s what it means.) Just a hunch, but a Canadian-based uniform resource locator (link) about butterfly photography probably won’t be helping me find the web host of which he speaks.

Then again, any web host capable of defining “uniform resource locator” over the phone is worth consideration, IMHO.

And then, we finally have a comment that doesn’t mess up English.

を創造する

According to Google Translate, this means “I create a,” though my Chinese friend Sunny can attest to the fact that Google Translate is rarely right. So what does this commenter create? Judging from his uniform resource locator, mostly Gucci bag knockoffs.

Aaand, last, but not least, this kicker, which appeared on my post discussing (okay, mocking) standardized testing…

I drove one of those as a rental car two years ago while on vaaoticn at my moms in Michigan. It drives very nice. I was able to adjust to it immediately. I like the way the back works for a trunk. We put suitcases in there from 4 of us and whenever we went visiting we all fit in it. That made 5 of us, but my boys are skinny (tee hee). I liked the way it handled in snow to, especially since we don’t get snow here in Texas like the 8 inches last Thursday!! Today was 82 degrees out.To crazy. Have fun and enjoy your new wheels. Sounds like that husband is very kind.

Seriously, hun, are we even reading the same blog post? Besides that, how do you get 8 inches of snow in Texas, if it’s 82 degrees a few days later. Her link was to a Facebook profile, so heaven only knows what this was about.

All the same, thanks for the entertainment. It never ceases me how much work people will put into these spam messages. How stupid do I look?

For that matter, how stupid do I sound? I got one of those phone calls a few months back from “Windows” (which is apparently based in India now, surprise, surprise), warning me that they got an alert from my computer. I played dumb for a few minutes as this clown tried to talk me into giving him remote access. Finally, I let him have it with some technobabble of my own.

“Just so you know, it is technologically impossible for you to know about a malware attack on my computer, as my firewall does not have the ports open for your company’s infrastructure to monitor the status of my system, much less log into my computer.”

Silence.

“By the way,” I added for good measure. “I’m a white hat hacker. My buddies and I will have lots of fun with your system.”

He hung up. Apparently that wasn’t enough to convince him, however, because he called back three weeks later. This time I told him that I traced his call, and that my friends would love to launch a full-blown cyberattack against their network. Both true…I never said we COULD launch a cyberattack, but his mind filled in the blanks.

“Yes sir, bye bye.”

He hasn’t called back since.

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